Why We Care So Much About What Others Think

This post is part of my Connect Series, exploring how our brains respond to social cues and ways to stay grounded while staying connected. You can start here for the full series overview.

You know that twinge of anxiety after posting a photo or status online, waiting for likes, comments, or messages? Or maybe it’s the unsettling stomach drop when a friend canceled plans, your boss gave a sideways glance, or you realized you weren’t included in a group text?

Our brains treat social exclusion, judgment, or disapproval like a survival threat.

Belonging to a group wasn’t just nice for early humans — it was life-saving. If you were excluded, you risked losing shelter, food, protection, and even the chance to reproduce. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has resulted in brains that pay extra attention to cues about acceptance and rejection.

You might obsess over a text that was replied with a simple “K,” worry how the other people at the gym perceive you, or feel tense speaking up in a meeting.

Our brains act like highly specialized social antennas, scanning constantly for signs that belonging is at risk— sometimes picking up signals that aren’t even there.

And if you have past experiences of rejection or unsafe social situations, these signals feel amplified, triggering strong stress responses.

Try this:
When social pain hits, gently reframe with this insight from Steven Hayes (originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy):

“We hurt where we care and we care where we hurt.”

• We hurt where we care: Any time we care about something (someone we love, a goal we’re working toward, or a value we live by) we make ourselves a little more vulnerable.

• We care where we hurt: Pain can reveal what truly matters to you.

Rather than seeing this sensitivity as a weakness, let it guide you toward what you value most.