Finding Steadiness When You Feel Pulled to People Please
This post is part of my Connect Series, exploring how our brains respond to social cues and ways to stay grounded while staying connected. You can start here for the full series overview.
A friend of mine recently told me about her weekend—snacks for the kids’ soccer game, carpool duty, hosting a birthday dinner, checking on the neighbor’s dog. Each commitment felt small in the moment, a simple way to be helpful, to make others happy, to keep the peace. But together, they filled every corner of her weekend.
For a while, all the weekend activity gave her a sense of purpose; proof that she was thoughtful, reliable, good. But beneath the surface was a steady hum of fatigue. By Sunday night, she felt hollowed out, her own needs buried beneath the weight of keeping everyone else comfortable.
It’s easy to see ourselves in her story. This tendency to overextend. This pattern can appear in many contexts—family obligations, community roles, workplace duties, or daily responsibilities—where meeting others’ needs feels urgent.
However it isn’t simply about weak boundaries or a lack of confidence: it’s connection wiring turned up too high.
The same part of the brain that helps us sense others’ moods and maintain harmony can also crank up the volume on attunement, making it hard to turn down others’ emotions long enough to hear our own.
Human evolution favored nervous systems that kept us connected to others (belonging = survival).
We are the descendants of those early humans who were best able to connect.
We are acutely sensitive to signs of disconnection or disappointment, prompting us to jump in to soothe, fix, or agree before we’ve even checked in with ourselves.
When the internal volume stays high for too long, it can result in burnout and a quiet kind of resentment, paradoxically, moving us further away from the connection we’re trying so hard to preserve.
Try this:
When you feel pulled to people please:
Pause for five minutes before responding to a request. Use the time to check in with your own needs.
If you need longer, use a simple mini-script: “Thanks for asking. I’ll check and get back to you soon.”
Even a small pause helps you readjust, like turning the dial down just enough to hear yourself again.
