A Therapist Turns 45: On Midlife, Mortality, and What Actually Matters
Last month, I turned 45, and it stirred up a mix of: “Whoa, I’m getting older,” alongside, “Wait, I still feel young.”
There are days I look around for the adult in the room and then realize… oh, that’s me!
I still sometimes catch myself wondering what I want to be when I grow up.
And yet, here I am, squarely in middle age, with a real sense that time is moving in a way that’s harder to ignore.
It’s a brush with mortality in the middle of everyday life, while also knowing there’s still so much ahead. For many of my clients — and honestly for me too — this kind of midlife moment is where anxiety and meaning collide.
Imagining 90
There’s an exercise in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that invites you to imagine a future milestone birthday (often 80) and picture yourself listening as people give speeches about you.
It asks:
What do you want to hear them say?
… How do they feel when they're with you?
… What kind of presence are you in their life?
I’ve always liked this exercise, but turning 45 made it land differently. I found myself imagining 90 instead, partly because it makes the “halfway there” (if I’m lucky) idea more tangible. Close enough to feel real. Far enough to offer perspective.
When I imagine people gathered around, talking about me, I want to hear things like:
She was thoughtful.
She was loyal.
She made room for people to be messy.
She didn’t take herself too seriously.
She was someone you could count on to be a cheerleader, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on.
What I notice is that none of this requires perfection. None of it requires having my life neatly sorted out.
It’s about how I relate. How I love. How I live inside the ordinary moments.
There’s also a truth underneath all of this:
The 90th birthday isn’t guaranteed.
Even the 46th isn’t guaranteed.
I don’t say that in a morbid way—it feels grounding more than anything else. It pulls me out of future-tripping and back into the very alive present. A reminder that this moment actually counts.
That’s one of the things I appreciate about values work:
It’s not about becoming some better, more optimized version of yourself. It’s about noticing what you care about and seeing how that shows up in small, imperfect, very human ways.
A Simple Values Exercise for Midlife Anxiety
If you’re curious, here’s a simple version of the exercise.
You can try this while walking, sitting with tea, or lying on the couch:
Imagine a future birthday — 80, 90, or any age that feels meaningful to you.
Picture a few people who know you well.
Imagine them talking about you. What do you hope they’d say about:
How you treated people?
How you showed up in hard moments?
What it felt like to be around you?
Then come back to right now and ask:
Where am I already living this in small ways?
Where might I want to lean into this a little more?
No big life overhaul required. Just noticing what already matters and letting that guide a few small choices.
Coming Back to This Moment
My 45th birthday didn’t bring some grand new realization. It simply gave me a clearer view of time moving, and a reminder that this moment, right here, is the one I actually get to live in.
Just this breath.
This season of life.
This imperfect, unfolding middle.
Interested in More?
Reflections like this — clarifying what matters to you, and noticing where your life already lines up (and where it gets pulled off course) — is a big part of what I do with people in therapy.
Anxiety, overthinking, people-pleasing, and self-criticism have a way of steering us away from the life we actually want to be living.
Together, we can look at what’s getting in the way and make space for choices that feel more aligned with who you are and what you care about.
Book a free consultation call here. (CA residents only)
Samara Stone, LMFT is an anxiety and OCD therapist in Santa Clara, CA, offering telehealth throughout California and walk-and-talk therapy in the South Bay.
